I bought something terrible!

And by Terrible I mean something deliciously terrible. Do you know about this stuff? "Chicago Mix" popcorn!

Seriously ya'll this stuff should be outlawed and come with a warning label. Highly addictive. You get the perfect combo of sweet and salty. If you eat too many cheese pieces in a row you just switch to the caramel pieces. Then when you get sick of those you go back to the cheese pieces and so it goes. Sweet, salt, fat!

It's a vicious cycle! The bag will be gone by the end of the day. Now I ask myself, do I put that detail in my food journal? I am doing a food journal now because I have an appointment with a dietitian at the end of the month.

Eating on the road

Eating on the road is challenging when you are trying to change your habits. I've been trying to make good choices but it is tempting to make the wrong ones.

I am on the road in Billings Montana for a conference for work. Conferences are the worst because you don't have a lot of control over the food provided. Last night was a heavy hour dovers at the Zoo here. It was a fun night and I really liked the opportunity to walk around the zoo. I think I made some good choices from the buffet. I did have a roll but I didn't eat the brownies.

However, when I got back to the hotel I did walk over to a close by gas station for a sweet treat. A huckleberry flavored ice cream sandwich. It was Sweet and berry flavored and a lot better than I was expecting.

Also near my hotel is a fun sex boutique, Adam and Eve. I went in there to browse. I did find a couple of corsets that didn't fit AT ALL! I was pretty disappointed that even in an XL with the laces all the way out it didn't come close to closing together around me. Mehh. Oh well, I guess I need to shop somewhere else. I'll tell you about my corset search later.

So this morning I missed the provided breakfast for the conference, so I ate in the hotel restaurant. I made a choice I really enjoyed, a skillet with potatoes, bacon, sausage, peppers, and  mushrooms topped with 2 eggs. I only ate a quarter of it, which was a good choice IMO. I probably could have made a better choice, but I enjoyed it.

Making better choices...mostly

I feel achy and tired and sore. I'm not sure what is wrong with me but mostly I believe it is my weight gain. I don't know what I am at right now, but I know my body is in shut down mode. I ran out of my Singular (the medicine they give you for asthma) and thought I could go without it. Turns out I was wrong. I couldn't breathe!! I was using my inhaler about 4 times a day. It was insane!

Well I got a refill of that prescription and feel much better now. But I can't help but think about if I lost some weight if that would help. People who loose weight always brag about how they don't have to take their prescriptions anymore and how their health has improved. So I'm going to start making better choices and turn things around. I've made up some steps to start with and hopefully I can stick to them.

1) Stop drinking (alcohol)

2) Do something active every day

3) Cut sugar - sugar detox!!!
4) Cut carbs - try going gluten free
5) Eat at least 2 vegetarian dinners per week (one potentially vegan)

So let's see how this goes. I'm on day 3 of my sugar detox and it is going ok. I had trouble last night but had a sugar free ricotta cheese dessert and felt better.

I'm 40!!!!!!

My surprise 40th rockin' birthday party

 Well, I've made it to 40 years old. Can you believe it? I feel that there are some activities in my life that surely had I not had luck on my side I would have died. But I'm hear and a much more cautious adult because of those experiences.

I've also found that I've become a lot bolder. I am more sure of my opinions and am not afraid to voice them. I've become more confident in those opinions and views and do not apologize for them. I've also found what is important in life. My kids, my husband, my parents, my brother and his family, my friends, all these things I cherish.

And Disney...I love Disney!!!

We met Elsa!

I also believe that I have come to a point in life when I want to make my mark. I've taken on a couple of tasks as I reach this point in my life that my heart has guided me to. I've become a Lamaze Childbirth Educator because I feel the women in my community need this resource. I searched for childbirth education that would help me have an unmedicated birth and couldn't find it. So now I'm going to provide it. I have a blog for that too.

I've also decided to get involved with the movement to make kids safe around guns and the Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America group working to encourage legislation that would keep guns out of the hands of dangerous people. My friend and I were recently part of a "Day of Action" for the group where we went to Senator Heidi Heitkamp's office in Bismarck to ask her to support background checks. We were on the news on two stations and in the Bismarck Tribune.

So that is what 40 has done to me. I'm bolder and more concerned about things. Enough to take action to fix them. And I'm proud of that.

Why I'm staying in the U.S.A.

Dear United States of America,
I refuse to leave! As the political battle of presidential candidates rages on I have heard and read statements from people saying they will move to a different country should a certain person become president. I can't lie, this thought has crossed my mind. I do love Canada (except for the cold), and France would be really nice. But as I consider my position as a feminist, a mom, a conservationist, a breastfeeding defender, a lover of love, a hunter, an agnostic, and pro-choice, I feel it is my duty to stay.

I am staying because this country needs people like me. It is my duty to remain in my country and let my voice be heard. It is my duty to show the people in our government that the voices that got them elected are not the only voices they must serve in the office of president. The U.S.A is a diverse country with many needs and to be the leader of this country means you must work to serve those needs...ALL of those needs.  

I am concerned about all the things I have seen out there that fuel hatred. Hatred among races, among religions, among other countries, among beliefs. We can't fuel this country on hate and fear! That makes us just as bad as the terrorists. Wouldn't our children be much prouder of us if we hugged each other rather than punched each other?

(This video does not serve as my endorsement of any particular candidate, it is just to illustrate the differences between a hate and love and the power of a hug. It also illustrates how the demeanor of a public figure can influence the behavior of his/her supporters.) 

As president you are responsible for representing all of us on the international stage. If you cannot do so with professionalism, dignity, and compassion you do not deserve the honor of being president. We are progressive, we are not afraid, we want better for our children.   

I am staying because no matter who gets elected president that person will need to know my views and those of people like me. We will need to fight to maintain and advance our views, we will need to shout that hate and fear will not run our lives and that we as Americans have an integrity to uphold. We need to make sure we do not regress on policies that have protected our natural resources, advanced our economy, and protected our civil rights. We need to make sure we continue to move forward with policies that serve our needs, ensure our health, and protect our vulnerable populations.

So hear me now! You will hear from me once you are in office. The people of this country cannot be silenced by the statements that got you elected. You will have supporters that feed into your policies and programs (or lack there of), but once elected you will need to answer to all of the citizens of the U.S.A. 

So no matter who I vote for in November and no matter who wins this presidential election, I will work hard to make my voice heard and try to influence policies that make sense for the U.S.A. Because it is important that our government work for us. It is important that they know what we want and that they cannot govern a people without listening to the people. 

For the love of all that is holey in weight loss

A calorie is a calorie is a calorie....not exactly. We (the royal we) have been learning more and more about how 100 calories of pure sugar does not equal 100 calories of almonds.

Now there is an article out that says we, as humans, don't process calories the same due to our gut fauna.

Wow! I'm confused! Is this why I can't loose weight even when I eat the same food as my 6'6" 160 pound husband? I'm sure genetics are in there somewhere.

We are spoiling our kids

I am afraid we are spoiling our kids and raising brats! As I start to think this thought I get an email in my in box from "What to Expect" titled "How not to spoil your child"

Alice screams a lot and tries to get her way that way. Miles starts to cry. These are the tantrums I have to put up with. I guess I just need to get tougher. One night I put a bunch of Alice's toys in "time-out" and nothing worked. Why won't they listen to me and do as I ask?!!!


Thursday, December 17, 2015
Cottage cheese
HB egg
2 cup tea
2 rice cakes with humus and avacado
DC coffee
Light egg nog (I bought this light stuff by mistake, but it isn't too bad)
Chunk of mozzarella cheese

Gut fauna

So I've heard that sauerkraut is good at improving your gut fauna. I am thinking that is what I need. I also need to cut my carbs. I am just not feeling up to par lately and I need to make some changes. I think my junk food binge is catching up to me.

When Aaron was gone a couple of weeks ago I bought tater tots and made them and hot dogs for the kids and I. I NEVER do that! I mean we only get hot dogs when we are at street festivals or summer BBQs. I never make them at home. I've also thought I need to start some physical activity again. I am getting winded if I have to walk up the stairs 3 or more times. Not good.

So I'm back on my kick and trying to commit. This morning I ate leftover quinoa with feta, kale, and tomatoes and a hard boiled egg. I'm trying to sugar and carb detox and it is so hard. But I'll keep trying. But Christmas is coming and there are all kinds of treats and bingeing available this time of year! Yes, there are so this will be extra hard.

Keeping away from alcohol will be a challenge too. I just need to stop buying it, well and stop drinking it too.

I feel like it is also time to get tracking on my fit bit. I haven't even been hitting my goal of 10k steps!

Tuesday, December 16, 2015
2 cup DC tea
HB egg
L/O quinoa, feta, chickpea, kale, tomato (salad)
DC coffee (Santa's White Christmas) with whip cream
Meat stick
Cheese stick
L/O pheasant stir fry and white rice
Peanut butter/oat/chocolate chip cookie
Peppermint candy
Cup of egg nog
Fried fish tacos (at a friend's)
Cookie

Something needs to change with accessibility to guns

I'm done! I'm done supporting gun rights. Yes, me and my husband hunt and we have several shot guns safely locked away, but if having these guns means allowing psychos who want to kill people to have guns too, I'm willing to give them up. 

Something needs to change in this country. I can't believe that mass shooting have become common place and some of the targets have been the most innocent, children. I have now begun to fear for my own family's safety. Below is a letter I sent to Heidi Heitkamp and my other senator/rep. I urge you to write to your representatives in Congress and let them know how you feel about this issue. The gun lobby can't keep blaming mental health and we can't continue to be complacent. Action needs to be taken and out voices heard. 

Dear Heidi Heitkamp,

Enough is enough with this gun violence. I am a supporter of gun rights, I really am, but the recent mass shooting in San Bernardino has put me over the edge. Our country has experienced so many mass shootings that people are dealing with these events on a regular basis. This should not be the case.

I am beginning to live in fear for me and my family’s safety. North Dakota is not immune to this. There was the shooting at a wedding reception in New Rockford a few months ago. That shouldn’t have happened. People should be able to attend joyful events without thinking about the potential of dying. How are we going to keep guns out of the hands of people who have the potential to kill others? How can we keep our communities safe?

Last week I had a real breakdown, this was before the San Bernardino shooting. I dropped my son off at pre-school here in Jamestown. I forgot to bring his heavy coat for when they play outside. When I returned to drop off his coat I simply walked into the school, unnoticed, walked into the classroom, unnoticed again and dropped off his coat in his cubby. As I did this I looked around at the kids playing and realized how vulnerable they were. What if I were someone with a gun and mal intentions to kill a bunch of kids? I went home and cried, my thoughts of losing my son to such violence consumed me. The fear and the feeling of loss were real at that moment and I was in hysterics all morning.

Yes you can say this is a security issue on the school’s part, but really, should we even have to worry about a situation like this?

I am supporting gun control now. Solutions need to be found and the gun lobby can’t keep blaming mental health. I support guns for hunting. All other weapons need to be regulated and strict background checks made (for hunting weapons included). I don’t know exactly what the solution is, but we do need to look beyond our borders to other countries who don’t have these instances of mass murder to see how their gun laws protect their citizens.

Having this fear is disturbing and frightening, and living in fear of your fellow Americans is no way to live free.

Thank you for your time,

Jennifer P. Kross

Meatless night

I have been going meatless more and more often. My kids love tofu, or "tofood" as they call it. Last night I fried up some tofu with a Tastefully Simple orange ginger saracha sauce. It was pretty good and the kids ate it up. My son is deviating more and more away from meat. He didn't eat any turkey on Thanksgiving and when I put meat on his plate he struggles to eat it. I'm not sure what that means exactly, hot dogs he will devour. I refuse to make a separate meal for him. He can eat what I make or go hungry. Does that make me a mean mommy? 

Frying up Tofu

On the side we had mashed cauliflower and broccoli. I've done this with just cauliflower before, but I thought I'd throw in some broccoli to see how it worked. A little butter, parm cheese and it worked pretty well. The kids enjoyed it, and that is usually the barometer in our house.

Mashed broccoli and cauliflower

Guts and gas

I'm contemplating seeing a dietitian. Although, I'm not exactly sure where to find one in my town. My guts are ruined. It may be my eating habits lately. I keep telling myself I'm going to turn things around and eat better. But it hasn't happened yet. I also keep telling myself I'm going to do an elimination diet, but that is challenging. Do I get the rest of the family involved with this experiment? And why start this now during the holiday season when great, indulgent food is abundant and prolific.

It wouldn't be too hard to eliminate dairy, although I do love cheese and eat a lot of it.The other stuff, well, I guess I'd just have to prepare. Bread and gluten would be very challenging, but I guess I'd just have to do a lot of prep and have veggies cut and ready to pull out of the fridge and eat.

I am officially on a junk food binge

Junk food! I typically have the will power to stay away from it, but while grocery shopping last night I found myself purchasing potato chips and corn chips. I just couldn't seem to help myself.

These things are delicious by the way

Maybe it is the whole Thanksgiving thing and I'm getting ready for a fun and food filled holiday. I can't say. Part of it may also be that I'm feeling sick no matter what I eat these days. My guts have been reeling with gas lately and I can't figure out what is doing it. Yesterday I ate a spinach salad and my guts turned inside out. The other day I ate McDonald's and my guts ached (no surprise but still).

Last night I ate up all the french fried onions that were supposed to be for the green bean casserole for Thanksgiving. These things are like the most dangerous food ever made. They are addictive. Plus I've been snacking on the candies I bought to fill the kids' Christmas countdown calendar. Hershey kisses and peanut butter cups. I'm going to hell!

I also got a bit wasted last night. I drank quite a bit and smoked a little. So that probably accounts for the munchie factor.
But the good news is...I got a new hair cut!

What does Jesus have to do with it?

This isn't a food related post, but it is something that eats at me and I need to vent. Thank you blog for being that venue. I also can't discuss this with my husband because it involves a sensitive event, his grandmother's funeral service.

So as an agnostic (agnostic not atheist because I simply can't say for myself that I have proof there is or is not a god, but I am not denying his/her existence) my view points about religion are aloof, in that I don't care to subscribe to any religion and I respect the views of others and where they desire to place their faith. I expect similar respect in return. However, I get very defensive and offended when someone tries to witness to me and tell me that I am not a good person because I don't believe in god or that Jesus was the son of god and died for our sins.

And that is where I ran into a problem at my grandmother-in-law's funeral. As the pastor began to talk about how grandma accepted Jesus into her heart and now walks in the kingdom of heaven he also turned the sermon into a bashing of those who have sinned and do not accept Jesus as the son of god. I found my self in tears, but I'm not sure the tears were shed for the loss of grandma. The tears were shed because of the attack I felt on my beliefs.

The sermon went something like this: In a discussion grandma had with the pastor she questioned whether she had been a good enough person to be accepted into heaven. Pastor told her that if she accepted Jesus into her heart and that he died on the cross for her sins that would be enough. I believed that is what she believed and how she wanted to picture her afterlife. However, the Pastor proceeded to tell the people assembled that they needed to do the same and that no amount of goodness or kindness on my/our part would be enough if we didn't accept the "fact" that Jesus was our savior.

I CALL A BIG B.S. ON THAT SHIT! Give me a break! So simply being a good person isn't good enough to be rewarded in the afterlife (what ever that may be)! That I can be a total SHIT in life but if I accept that Jesus died for my sins I have an automatic ticket to heaven (whatever you believe that might be). That type of talk makes me upset!

I'm not sure exactly what the motives of this pastor were, if he was trying to convert anyone present or just reassuring those who already accept Jesus, but come on! Was this the place to pull that move?
What about recognizing that everyone present may not subscribe to that mantra and that they have different beliefs about how their current life will be rewarded when they pass on.

My mantra, be a good person, kind, trustworthy, loyal and you will be rewarded by the memories you leave with others. You will be remembered positively and that is how you will live on. I do believe in redemption and second chances. I refuse to believe that the life I live isn't good enough to lead to a positive, heavenly afterlife. I believe sin as defined by...well the bible I guess...is inevitable but you don't need to believe that the "son of god" absolves all of that because he is dead. No one entity should have to bare that burden. I believe that you should be responsible for yourself and take responsibility for your actions and if those actions are "sinful" that is all on you and you alone should be accountable.

With that I again state that I refuse to believe that my life isn't good enough! I refuse to believe that by living my life as a good, honest person with some indiscretions here and there negates my right to have a free and inspiring impact when I die. I will not live my life tied to an entity and believing something that has little basis in truth or reality (as I see it).

And I will teach my children to think for themselves and guide them to believe what corresponds to their needs and sense of reality. And that isn't a bad thing. Here is a good article to help drive home my point.  
"When these teens mature into “godless” adults, they exhibit less racism than their religious counterparts"

So how is that FitBit thing going?

You may be asking, "hey Jen, how is that FitBit thing going for you?" Well, since I quit the couch to 5K I haven't been paying much attention to it. Oh I keep it charged and I wear it, but I'm not as conscious of it as I was in the past. I try and keep track but I've just lost the will I suppose.

So now I'm just making do.

Recovering again!

Well, as I predicted Halloween was a blow out of food, booze and smoke. 

I was totally hung over on Sunday and could barely function. Good thing I have a compassionate husband. He took care of the kids most of the day while I nursed a headache and sour stomach. I barfed and my kid ran to my husband saying..."mommy's throwing up". Yes dear mommy was throwing up. I was able to take a good nap and woke up somewhat functional.

However, come Thursday and I still felt like I was recovering. As 40 approaches I'm more and more aware that my body is less able to recover from such episodes of debauchery.  I am also aware that it is going to take a lot more than sitting on my bum and eating junk to shed these unwanted pounds.

I'm also coming to the conclusion that I'm on a slippery slope to a very unhealthy lifestyle. My guts have been twisted for a while now. I'm having a constant gnawing feeling that is on the verge of nausea. I've been eating a lot of carbs and pasta lately, buying Cheetos and other junk, there are left over Oreos in the cupboard that keep calling me, and I've been making excuses to eat fast food (i.e., Taco Bell and McDonald's). Yesterday I bought fried chicken tenders from the grocery store deli and I swore off fried chicken a long time ago, meaning this was the first time I've had fried chicken in like 10 years.

Where to go from hear. I've been thinking of an extreme solution, meaning gluten free and no carbs. I'll need to be strong and find ways to help the family cope with this decision. I am also thinking of going dairy free too. I know, the no cheese thing is going to kill me and I probably don't want to start that until after the "Wine and Cheese" tasting event at our Arts Center.

Let's see where this goes.

Sugar is my favorite!

Sugar!

You know you love it! We all do!
And this time of year, I mean Halloween, the house if filled with it. So why fight it? That' what I'm going with right now. Within reason of course. But come Halloween night! It's party down time. The grandparents are coming to watch the kids and we can stay out all night if we want to! Yep, I love to party on Halloween!

So don't expect much good behavior from me.

Thursday, October 29 2015
Everything bagel with butter
Yogurt with pear and a little sugar
DC coffee with whip cream
2 cup tea
Rice cake with peanut butter and jelly
Cheese rice cake with hummus
Cheese
3 fun size 3 Musketeers bars
Chili
Corn bread with bacon and butter
Squash
3 Oreo cookies
Chicken Cesar wrap
Cheetos puffs

Well what do you say to this Coke!

I've debated with myself about a calorie being a calorie. And now the research is in! Here is a study that shows SUGAR is the culprit.

"The findings add to the argument that all calories are not created equal, and they suggest that those from sugar are especially likely to contribute to Type 2 diabetes and other metabolic diseases,..."

So what do you say now Coke?  By removing the added sugar from the kids in the study diet, they effectively turned their health around.

Luckily I don't have to debate with my kid's school anymore. They got a new director, far better than the other one in my opinion, and she is on board with improving the kids snacks and reducing their sugar intake.

That said...I ate 3 fun size candy bars today. I'm working on it.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Bagel with butter
2 cup tea
DC coffee with whip cream
L/O Sheppard's pie with added mushrooms
Celery and dip
Rice cake
Cheese and crackers and bean dip
Chicken and squash
2 Oreo cookies
Beer and 3 shots whipped vodka

Gas and nausea

Nothing seems edible lately.

My stomach is in a constant state of nausea. I don't get it. It seems like since I caught that stomach bug I haven't been enjoying food. I feel hungry but nothing seems appetizing. Except candy that is.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Everything bagel with butter
Cottage cheese with pear
L/O Sheppard's pie
3 fun size 3 Musketeers
Meat stick
Cheese stick
Quinoa chips
Rice cake
L/O Shepard's pie
Snacks at Halloween party

On the south end of 210

Well, I got on the scale the other day which I haven't done in a while. It read 209. Well, I thought at least it is on the lower side of 210. I've said it before that I'm not focusing on the scale and I really haven't been doing anything to get my weight down. I tried the Couch to 5K thing and that didn't work. I just couldn't push through the pain. I don't think it was supposed to hurt that much anyway.

So what do I do now? I hate that my town doesn't have full access to a pool year round for working out. It just sucks! I love swimming and that is my choice of workout. But that is another excuse.

Monday, October 26, 2015
Bagel with butter
Rice chex cereal with cashew milk and strawberries
DC coffee with whip cream
2 cup tea
L/O beans and rice
Bread with butter
Olives
3 fun size 3 Musketeers bars
Brats and sweet potatoes
Rice cake
Jelly beans

I paid for my indiscretion

Well, first of all yesterday I was so looking forward to my fast food meals. But, when we got to McDonald's drive through the line was super long and it was not moving! I mean not at all! I waited 8 minutes at the back of the line (8 minutes is a super long time for fast food and when you want to get out of town). So I diverted and went to Burger King. That was a mistake. I paid for that with heartburn, indigestion and gas. By the time I got to Bismarck I had to shit!

Me and the kids did have a super fun time at Pappa's Pumpkin Patch

We played and ran around. I pretty much forgot about my stomach issues. The kiddos didn't want to go to Wendy's for dinner and frankly neither did I. My gut was still twisted and I could hardly think of eating anything. So we went to McDonald's for happy meals. I got a cheese burger and small fries and a water. Not the indulgent fast food meal I wanted, but it suited the mood I was in.

So today I'm going to try and be better remembering the gut ache I had yesterday. Although tonight I am hoping I can do some indulgent drinking and a little smoking (if you know what I mean). The husband is taking one of the kids to visit the Grandparent's farm and I'm planning on putting the other kid to bed early and watching TV! If you are a mom you know how precious having your own TV time is. I rarely get to watch what I want. It is with TV as it is with eating. We don't want our kids to watch too much and we strictly limit their intake. Consequently I don't get to watch that much TV and I've started to treasure it as much as my kids do.

Exercise =
Friday, October 23, 2015
Cottage cheese with Jelly
Roll with butter
2 cup tea
DC coffee with whip cream
L/O stuffed acorn squash
L/O spiced chick peas with yogurt sauce
Quinoa chips
Meat stick (these things are bad for me too, they repeat on me and I taste them all day), cheese stick and olives
Chocolate ice cream
Dinner?